When our children are experiencing big feelings, they may communicate them through behavior. If your child is melting down over something that seems small to you, it may be a sign they are overwhelmed or flooded with emotions.

For instance, when my kindergartner fell into a puddle of tears and screamed at me because she didn’t like the word-sorting activity that her teacher gave her to do, it wasn’t really about the sorting activity. After she calmed down using her “Calming Menu” we had created earlier (hugging the dog is her go-to), she ended up sharing that she was sad because she missed her friends. Had I clamped down on compliance on the assignment, it would have been a missed opportunity for her to practice calming down and expressing her emotions.

The important takeaway message here is that children (and, indeed, adults!) do not have access to their thinking and reasoning skills when they are flooded with emotions. If your child cannot focus on school tasks, or you are seeing them melt down, tantrum, or withdraw, it’s likely because they are having a hard time meeting an expectation while under stress.

The antidote? Empathy. Research shows that empathy can calm the nervous system and re-engage the thinking and reasoning side of the brain. When you are in the middle of a meltdown, you might remind yourself of this using the following mantras:

My child is not giving me a hard time; they are having a hard time.
Behavior is communication, and my child is “telling” me they need support.
The teachable moment about behavioral expectations is never in the “hot” moment. I must calm my child through empathy first.